One step forward…. then I fall down, bust my head, roll down a hill and forget where I was at in the first place.

 

That overstatement is an understatement of my beginning of this blog and my journey towards Buddhism. While professionally I am seeing a level of success I have not enjoyed in a while personally I am stumbling along in my spiritual path. Couple things…

 

I probably won’t be any less me any time soon. I am opinionated, sarcastic and, well, feisty. I eat life. Some of that is probably my type 1 bi-polar (Like being stuck in overdrive all the time unlike type 2 which is the mood swings) and the rest is just me. I am as my profile on Facebook says “Slightly Medicated” so I function better today. Never-the-less if you want to know what I think, you will get it. So if being Buddha means I must be monotone in my approach to life I don’t see it happening. Compassionate, loving, forgiving, aware, in the moment, acceptance and tolerance without judgement; all yes. Let’s just be clear to, acceptance and tolerance is not apathy or indifference. See “Other Stuff” for examples of that. There is right action and right thinking but without empathy even with the most vile of ourselves, we can never understand how to move past it.

 

My work. I work on the road. That is how I support my family so I have a routine but it changes locations a lot. So today I am in North Dakota brrrrr, tomorrow, well, you name it and it is possible. That is not an excuse for my lack of meditation or reading or blogging… there is another reason.

 

I have a lot of hobbies. I play bass, I play with my kids, I play with my wife , I play with computers, I wish I read more; god knows I have bought enough books with that intention, and I am easily distracted by things like Facebook and Twitter. In fact truth is I spend too much time talking with friends and trying to be witty on those sites and it takes away from time here. I can’t blame it on my wife for calling me or my kids because while we do talk everyday they are respectful of my work and my time when I am away.

 

So is it discipline? Is it ADD? Willpower? I think not. I show incredible focus when I want to and discipline when I need to. Willpower is an illusion. You either are or you are not. Everything in between is what makes up a life. My problem is the same as everyone. Ego.

 

Everyone has a different spin on it. Worldliness, The Flesh, Materialism and so on. It’s all ego. That part of us that exists physically in this world. To be happy to feel good; to not be in pain. Sometimes we stuff our face or screw our brains out to get it. Other times we drug ourselves or buy crap. We keep the A/C at a palatable 72 degrees or sleep on a pillow-top. All this comes from our body’s need to not be in pain.

 

Now I’m no doctor and I am sure others will have their opinions but these desires are the animal part of us. I choose not to debate our physical origins but our consciousness however it came to be amplifies and overdrives these primal wants. So when I get on Facebook and play a game of questions with a friend and try to be witty and belong in that moment I am satisfying the self and ignoring the spirit. Does that mean I can’t every get on Facebook or connect with friends. NO!!! but there must be balance and I am not achieving that in a meaningful way. The fact that the 28 Day Meditation Challenge Started 8 days ago and I have done it for one day shows where I am really at. I am not making the spirit a priority in my life… but I am trying.

 

The journey is the reason for living so I choose today not to beat myself up but I am going to be honest. I feel good about the person I am today. I need to change where my priorities are at in my free time. I am loving the journey. I hope you are too.

 

Feel free to leave suggestions or comments about your struggles or successes with living out your spirituality. We are always stronger when we connect.